Well, yeah. Compared to the rest of those Round Table idiots, I'm the most mature person in the goddamn world.
[ ]
I entered the king's service a few years after my birth. By that time, my appearance was the way it is now, and I was already my father's equal in swordsmanship. My origins were of little concern when compared to my obvious skill.
[ Even if Mordred grew at an accelerated rate, that's an extraordinarily tight window of time to have accumulated so much skill in. That also means she would have had very little time to develop other things... like social skills. More of Mordred is making sense by the minute. ]
I see... You must have worked very hard.
[ For someone else's purpose, designed to die young. Just like Gray — except Gray was fortunate enough to escape that fate. Mordred isn't looking for pity, but Gray can't help her downcast look. ]
[ When she spots Gray's expression, her own darkens. ]
You'd better wipe that look off your face, mouse. Even if my birth was twisted, everything after that — becoming a knight, turning against the king, starting the war that destroyed Britain — were my own choices. Maybe they were in line with what my mother wanted, but that's not why I made any of them. So don't you dare insult my pride by pitying me.
[ That's why she won't pity Gray, either. She'll get mad for her, but to pity her would be to reduce both of them to victims of circumstance, of someone else's face, to insult the work she's put in to become "Gray" and not just "Arthur's vessel". They're more than what others tried to shape them into. ]
[ Gray looks up, her expression smoothing closer to neutral. Her poker face isn't nearly as strong as it could be, but she'll at least make an effort. ]
If that was what you wanted, then I'm glad.
[ Not about Mordred succeeding in killing Arthur and ruining Britain, but that she did what she set out to do. ]
I've never been very good at setting goals for myself, so for you to have done so much in so little time... I'd like to be more like that.
[ "If that was what you wanted." There's no way it wasn't — so why does it feel like there was something else, too? Something she forgot in her violent frenzy, her lust for destruction, her desire to make the king suffer like she had? Why can't she be satisfied? Why even chase the crown at all?
A brief flash of uncertainty flickers over her face, but it's gone as quickly as it came. ]
What's the one thing you want most out of your life? Be selfish about it.
[ Be selfish about it. That's the part that gives her pause. She knows what she wants for everyone else, but it's a different matter when it comes to herself. ]
Maybe... to be prouder of myself?
[ Give her sweet escape from this low self-esteem hell... ]
[ It's a good response, even if Mordred seems a little taken off guard by it. She shrugs in a "beats me" gesture. ]
You can start by figuring out what "pride" means to you. For me, it's my pride as a knight, and as a king. For you, it's probably something way less ambitious, but that's okay.
Whatever it is, once you find it, protect it. Don't worry about if it's right or wrong, or what other people think. Even if it's preserving what you have now, or living a happy life away from your village, those are both fine aspirations in their own right. Just keep striving towards it. If you can do that, then I'd say you already have plenty to be proud of.
[ There's a pang in her heart. In London, she could have easily identified her source of pride; she was proud to take care of her mentor, to protect him and help him go wherever danger-frought place he needed to go. It's here that she's struggled, unable to find that same inspiration within herself.
[ That's why so many followed her in the first place. Even under a mask of steel, she was so clearly (falsely) human compared to the infallible king. So emotional. Angry, but that too was seen as a positive, when nobody else would dare express their disdain so openly. A master of riling others up, getting their blood boiling, where the king had endeavored to spread peace and calm to all.
But that was as a usurper. When it comes to surpassing her father... ]
But a king can't laugh, or cry, or get angry. That makes him too human. Too attainable and flawed. A perfect king has to be someone that stands alone, in a place nobody else can reach. That's the only way he can save his people without succumbing to his own weaknesses.
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no subject
[ Gray practically yelps with surprise. She'd expected fifteen at the very least given their sharted appearance. ]
I thought you were older. You seem so... um, adult.
[ Not mature. But adult. ]
preserves your typo in amber
[
I entered the king's service a few years after my birth. By that time, my appearance was the way it is now, and I was already my father's equal in swordsmanship. My origins were of little concern when compared to my obvious skill.
DROPS IMMEDIATELY
I see... You must have worked very hard.
[ For someone else's purpose, designed to die young. Just like Gray — except Gray was fortunate enough to escape that fate. Mordred isn't looking for pity, but Gray can't help her downcast look. ]
:innocent:
You'd better wipe that look off your face, mouse. Even if my birth was twisted, everything after that — becoming a knight, turning against the king, starting the war that destroyed Britain — were my own choices. Maybe they were in line with what my mother wanted, but that's not why I made any of them. So don't you dare insult my pride by pitying me.
[ That's why she won't pity Gray, either. She'll get mad for her, but to pity her would be to reduce both of them to victims of circumstance, of someone else's face, to insult the work she's put in to become "Gray" and not just "Arthur's vessel". They're more than what others tried to shape them into. ]
no subject
If that was what you wanted, then I'm glad.
[ Not about Mordred succeeding in killing Arthur and ruining Britain, but that she did what she set out to do. ]
I've never been very good at setting goals for myself, so for you to have done so much in so little time... I'd like to be more like that.
no subject
A brief flash of uncertainty flickers over her face, but it's gone as quickly as it came. ]
What's the one thing you want most out of your life? Be selfish about it.
no subject
Maybe... to be prouder of myself?
[ Give her sweet escape from this low self-esteem hell... ]
no subject
You can start by figuring out what "pride" means to you. For me, it's my pride as a knight, and as a king. For you, it's probably something way less ambitious, but that's okay.
Whatever it is, once you find it, protect it. Don't worry about if it's right or wrong, or what other people think. Even if it's preserving what you have now, or living a happy life away from your village, those are both fine aspirations in their own right. Just keep striving towards it. If you can do that, then I'd say you already have plenty to be proud of.
no subject
Nevertheless, ]
That's actually good advice.
[ Now Gray's the one taken off guard... ]
no subject
Why are you so surprised?
no subject
You aren't usually so calm and serious.
[ Instead, pissed off and cooking up violence. See: ten minutes ago. ]
no subject
That's 'cause once I'm king, I'll have to be calm and serious all the time. Right now, I can still be "Mordred".
no subject
[ Is that even Mordred anymore though?? Gray's head tips slightly. ]
Your liveliness is one of your good points, though. Maybe your subjects would prefer it?
no subject
[ That's why so many followed her in the first place. Even under a mask of steel, she was so clearly (falsely) human compared to the infallible king. So emotional. Angry, but that too was seen as a positive, when nobody else would dare express their disdain so openly. A master of riling others up, getting their blood boiling, where the king had endeavored to spread peace and calm to all.
But that was as a usurper. When it comes to surpassing her father... ]
But a king can't laugh, or cry, or get angry. That makes him too human. Too attainable and flawed. A perfect king has to be someone that stands alone, in a place nobody else can reach. That's the only way he can save his people without succumbing to his own weaknesses.