Huh? [ Genuine confusion, until she realizes what Gray's talking about. ] Didn't I tell you? I'm a homunculus. My mother made me in the king's image... I suppose the closest comparison would be that of a clone.
But make no mistake — my creation may have been artificial, but I still carry my father's blood. I'm the only person alive who does.
[ Homunculus? Clone?? Of course Gray has heard of those things, but being told that someone you know has been one all along is a different matter. It doesn't really change who Mordred is as a person, but it sure brings up a lot of questions. Gray blinks, her little brain struggling to process this new information. ]
... I see. Then we have even more in common than I thought.
[ Mordred is even more "King Arthur's body" than Gray is. That's quite the thought, and one she'll continue to dwell on. ]
Your mother... really spent a lot of time trying to recreate the king's image.
No shit. Why do you think I was so freakin' mad when I first saw you? It all should've ended with me.
[ It sure would've been helpful if she'd like... explained that at the time. Oh well. ]
If we were truly alike, your lifespan would have already reached its limit. At the very least, be glad that my mother's hand in your creation was a more distant one... though you should curse her a hundred times over for causing it at all.
[ Gray doesn't have time to curse Morgan a hundred times once, let alone many times over, because she's too stuck on something Mordred said earlier. ]
My lifespan... um, what was your lifespan?
[ She's aware that this is a badly worded question, but there are too many unknowns now for her to hope at sounding like she's having coherent thoughts. ]
[ She shrugs, clearly far less bothered by the topic than Gray is. ]
If we're talking years, specifically... then perhaps twelve at most. Probably less than that, knowin' my old lady. She always intended for me to perish after killing the king, so she could swoop in and claim the throne for herself.
Well, yeah. Compared to the rest of those Round Table idiots, I'm the most mature person in the goddamn world.
[ ]
I entered the king's service a few years after my birth. By that time, my appearance was the way it is now, and I was already my father's equal in swordsmanship. My origins were of little concern when compared to my obvious skill.
[ Even if Mordred grew at an accelerated rate, that's an extraordinarily tight window of time to have accumulated so much skill in. That also means she would have had very little time to develop other things... like social skills. More of Mordred is making sense by the minute. ]
I see... You must have worked very hard.
[ For someone else's purpose, designed to die young. Just like Gray — except Gray was fortunate enough to escape that fate. Mordred isn't looking for pity, but Gray can't help her downcast look. ]
[ When she spots Gray's expression, her own darkens. ]
You'd better wipe that look off your face, mouse. Even if my birth was twisted, everything after that — becoming a knight, turning against the king, starting the war that destroyed Britain — were my own choices. Maybe they were in line with what my mother wanted, but that's not why I made any of them. So don't you dare insult my pride by pitying me.
[ That's why she won't pity Gray, either. She'll get mad for her, but to pity her would be to reduce both of them to victims of circumstance, of someone else's face, to insult the work she's put in to become "Gray" and not just "Arthur's vessel". They're more than what others tried to shape them into. ]
[ Gray looks up, her expression smoothing closer to neutral. Her poker face isn't nearly as strong as it could be, but she'll at least make an effort. ]
If that was what you wanted, then I'm glad.
[ Not about Mordred succeeding in killing Arthur and ruining Britain, but that she did what she set out to do. ]
I've never been very good at setting goals for myself, so for you to have done so much in so little time... I'd like to be more like that.
[ "If that was what you wanted." There's no way it wasn't — so why does it feel like there was something else, too? Something she forgot in her violent frenzy, her lust for destruction, her desire to make the king suffer like she had? Why can't she be satisfied? Why even chase the crown at all?
A brief flash of uncertainty flickers over her face, but it's gone as quickly as it came. ]
What's the one thing you want most out of your life? Be selfish about it.
[ Be selfish about it. That's the part that gives her pause. She knows what she wants for everyone else, but it's a different matter when it comes to herself. ]
Maybe... to be prouder of myself?
[ Give her sweet escape from this low self-esteem hell... ]
[ It's a good response, even if Mordred seems a little taken off guard by it. She shrugs in a "beats me" gesture. ]
You can start by figuring out what "pride" means to you. For me, it's my pride as a knight, and as a king. For you, it's probably something way less ambitious, but that's okay.
Whatever it is, once you find it, protect it. Don't worry about if it's right or wrong, or what other people think. Even if it's preserving what you have now, or living a happy life away from your village, those are both fine aspirations in their own right. Just keep striving towards it. If you can do that, then I'd say you already have plenty to be proud of.
[ There's a pang in her heart. In London, she could have easily identified her source of pride; she was proud to take care of her mentor, to protect him and help him go wherever danger-frought place he needed to go. It's here that she's struggled, unable to find that same inspiration within herself.
[ That's why so many followed her in the first place. Even under a mask of steel, she was so clearly (falsely) human compared to the infallible king. So emotional. Angry, but that too was seen as a positive, when nobody else would dare express their disdain so openly. A master of riling others up, getting their blood boiling, where the king had endeavored to spread peace and calm to all.
But that was as a usurper. When it comes to surpassing her father... ]
But a king can't laugh, or cry, or get angry. That makes him too human. Too attainable and flawed. A perfect king has to be someone that stands alone, in a place nobody else can reach. That's the only way he can save his people without succumbing to his own weaknesses.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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But make no mistake — my creation may have been artificial, but I still carry my father's blood. I'm the only person alive who does.
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[ Homunculus? Clone?? Of course Gray has heard of those things, but being told that someone you know has been one all along is a different matter. It doesn't really change who Mordred is as a person, but it sure brings up a lot of questions. Gray blinks, her little brain struggling to process this new information. ]
... I see. Then we have even more in common than I thought.
[ Mordred is even more "King Arthur's body" than Gray is. That's quite the thought, and one she'll continue to dwell on. ]
Your mother... really spent a lot of time trying to recreate the king's image.
[ why ]
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[ It sure would've been helpful if she'd like... explained that at the time. Oh well. ]
If we were truly alike, your lifespan would have already reached its limit. At the very least, be glad that my mother's hand in your creation was a more distant one... though you should curse her a hundred times over for causing it at all.
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My lifespan... um, what was your lifespan?
[ She's aware that this is a badly worded question, but there are too many unknowns now for her to hope at sounding like she's having coherent thoughts. ]
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[ She shrugs, clearly far less bothered by the topic than Gray is. ]
If we're talking years, specifically... then perhaps twelve at most. Probably less than that, knowin' my old lady. She always intended for me to perish after killing the king, so she could swoop in and claim the throne for herself.
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[ Gray practically yelps with surprise. She'd expected fifteen at the very least given their sharted appearance. ]
I thought you were older. You seem so... um, adult.
[ Not mature. But adult. ]
preserves your typo in amber
[
I entered the king's service a few years after my birth. By that time, my appearance was the way it is now, and I was already my father's equal in swordsmanship. My origins were of little concern when compared to my obvious skill.
DROPS IMMEDIATELY
I see... You must have worked very hard.
[ For someone else's purpose, designed to die young. Just like Gray — except Gray was fortunate enough to escape that fate. Mordred isn't looking for pity, but Gray can't help her downcast look. ]
:innocent:
You'd better wipe that look off your face, mouse. Even if my birth was twisted, everything after that — becoming a knight, turning against the king, starting the war that destroyed Britain — were my own choices. Maybe they were in line with what my mother wanted, but that's not why I made any of them. So don't you dare insult my pride by pitying me.
[ That's why she won't pity Gray, either. She'll get mad for her, but to pity her would be to reduce both of them to victims of circumstance, of someone else's face, to insult the work she's put in to become "Gray" and not just "Arthur's vessel". They're more than what others tried to shape them into. ]
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If that was what you wanted, then I'm glad.
[ Not about Mordred succeeding in killing Arthur and ruining Britain, but that she did what she set out to do. ]
I've never been very good at setting goals for myself, so for you to have done so much in so little time... I'd like to be more like that.
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A brief flash of uncertainty flickers over her face, but it's gone as quickly as it came. ]
What's the one thing you want most out of your life? Be selfish about it.
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Maybe... to be prouder of myself?
[ Give her sweet escape from this low self-esteem hell... ]
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You can start by figuring out what "pride" means to you. For me, it's my pride as a knight, and as a king. For you, it's probably something way less ambitious, but that's okay.
Whatever it is, once you find it, protect it. Don't worry about if it's right or wrong, or what other people think. Even if it's preserving what you have now, or living a happy life away from your village, those are both fine aspirations in their own right. Just keep striving towards it. If you can do that, then I'd say you already have plenty to be proud of.
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Nevertheless, ]
That's actually good advice.
[ Now Gray's the one taken off guard... ]
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Why are you so surprised?
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You aren't usually so calm and serious.
[ Instead, pissed off and cooking up violence. See: ten minutes ago. ]
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That's 'cause once I'm king, I'll have to be calm and serious all the time. Right now, I can still be "Mordred".
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[ Is that even Mordred anymore though?? Gray's head tips slightly. ]
Your liveliness is one of your good points, though. Maybe your subjects would prefer it?
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[ That's why so many followed her in the first place. Even under a mask of steel, she was so clearly (falsely) human compared to the infallible king. So emotional. Angry, but that too was seen as a positive, when nobody else would dare express their disdain so openly. A master of riling others up, getting their blood boiling, where the king had endeavored to spread peace and calm to all.
But that was as a usurper. When it comes to surpassing her father... ]
But a king can't laugh, or cry, or get angry. That makes him too human. Too attainable and flawed. A perfect king has to be someone that stands alone, in a place nobody else can reach. That's the only way he can save his people without succumbing to his own weaknesses.