... I don't need you to tell me. Like I said, it's just Red who hasn't got the memo yet.
[ She looks to the side. ]
Honestly, I never cared about being "admirable" when I was alive... but that was before I made up my mind to become king. Someone who rules for their own sake, with only minor consideration for the common people — most kings in history were like that. That's why the only one worth emulating is the King of Knights.
Even though I don't admire my father [ lol, lmao, etc ], I can admit he had some admirablish qualities. I never once disagreed with any of his decisions... except for in regards to me. [ The certainty in her voice wanes, replaced by frustration. ] So, to surpass him... I need to reach the same level of perfection, and find whatever he was missing. Then I can force him to acknowledge [ "me" ] his mistake.
[ Ah. She's beginning to see more of what makes Mordred tick. She's spoken before about wanting to surpass Arthur, and about becoming a king. But put this way, the framing is a bit more complicated, and human as well. Where once Gray would have had serious doubts about what Mordred might be like as a ruler, Mordred's consideration now speaks to a certain amount of potential. Not that Gray knows anything about what it takes to be a king, so her opinion can only count for so much.
(Gray also thinks she heard a made-up word in there, but she keeps that to herself.) ]
What he was missing... What do you think that was?
[ If it was anyone else, she'd change the subject. Hell, most times even with Gray, she'd still change it. But they've come this far, and she's honestly at a loss for answers — not that she expects Gray to be able to give them to her, but maybe she'll have an observation that Mordred missed. ]
I don't know. [ She admits with a wry, somewhat annoyed smile. ] But there has to be something, right? His rule still collapsed [ damn i wonder why ], so even if it was perfect, it wasn't perfect enough. I won't be satisfied with that.
[ Gray tries very hard not to ask the question that begs to be asked: If you hadn't been there, would Arthur's kingdom still have fallen? If Mordred is pondering what other factors could have marred Arthur's rule, then evidently she thinks she wasn't the only problem. ]
I was taught that the people were tired of war, and that's why they were willing to consider a new king. So if the fighting ended sooner...?
The people [ said as if she were referring to shit on the bottom of her shoe ] were blind to the necessity of war. I may have used that ignorance to my advantage, but I despised each and every one of them for turning their backs on the king who fought so hard for everyone.
[ She knows Gray is only trying to help, though, so despite the obvious annoyance in her voice, she does her best to temper her response. ]
Listen. I get what you're saying, but humans are disgustingly fickle creatures. Britain was closer than ever to being united, yet they threw that future away to gamble on me — as if I could ever relate to their pathetic lives. Even if the fighting had ended sooner, their complaints would have soon been about taxes, or the division of land, or a bad harvest. There's just no pleasing them.
[ For someone who doesn't admire her father, Mordred spends a lot of time acknowledging his hard work. Gray can't argue that people aren't fickle, either. After witnessing the behavior of the people in her own village, she can't claim to know how the human mind works at all. ]
Did King Arthur ever talk to the people about it...? Um, I know you didn't have anything like the radio back then, but it sounds like there was a big disconnect between them.
... Never so directly, no. He probably thought that our victories would speak for themselves, that people would understand his reasoning. And why wouldn't they?
[ Why wouldn't they? she repeats in her head. Mordred pauses, thinking things over for a moment; drumming her fingers idly as if to burn off nervous energy. ]
"The king does not understand the hearts of men." [ She says suddenly. ] That's what that bastard Tristan said when he left the Round Table. It wasn't just him, either — the idiots who sided with me claimed the same thing. They never even realized the person they were following now wasn't human to begin with. How freakin' funny is that? [ Her voice is utterly humourless. ]
[ "The king does not understand the hearts of men." What a terrible indictment. Gray wonders how Arthur took that — was he hurt, offended, indifferent? Just as Gray thinks that even Arthur was human, Mordred declares the opposite, prompting a confused look. ]
Huh? [ Genuine confusion, until she realizes what Gray's talking about. ] Didn't I tell you? I'm a homunculus. My mother made me in the king's image... I suppose the closest comparison would be that of a clone.
But make no mistake — my creation may have been artificial, but I still carry my father's blood. I'm the only person alive who does.
[ Homunculus? Clone?? Of course Gray has heard of those things, but being told that someone you know has been one all along is a different matter. It doesn't really change who Mordred is as a person, but it sure brings up a lot of questions. Gray blinks, her little brain struggling to process this new information. ]
... I see. Then we have even more in common than I thought.
[ Mordred is even more "King Arthur's body" than Gray is. That's quite the thought, and one she'll continue to dwell on. ]
Your mother... really spent a lot of time trying to recreate the king's image.
No shit. Why do you think I was so freakin' mad when I first saw you? It all should've ended with me.
[ It sure would've been helpful if she'd like... explained that at the time. Oh well. ]
If we were truly alike, your lifespan would have already reached its limit. At the very least, be glad that my mother's hand in your creation was a more distant one... though you should curse her a hundred times over for causing it at all.
[ Gray doesn't have time to curse Morgan a hundred times once, let alone many times over, because she's too stuck on something Mordred said earlier. ]
My lifespan... um, what was your lifespan?
[ She's aware that this is a badly worded question, but there are too many unknowns now for her to hope at sounding like she's having coherent thoughts. ]
[ She shrugs, clearly far less bothered by the topic than Gray is. ]
If we're talking years, specifically... then perhaps twelve at most. Probably less than that, knowin' my old lady. She always intended for me to perish after killing the king, so she could swoop in and claim the throne for herself.
Well, yeah. Compared to the rest of those Round Table idiots, I'm the most mature person in the goddamn world.
[ ]
I entered the king's service a few years after my birth. By that time, my appearance was the way it is now, and I was already my father's equal in swordsmanship. My origins were of little concern when compared to my obvious skill.
[ Even if Mordred grew at an accelerated rate, that's an extraordinarily tight window of time to have accumulated so much skill in. That also means she would have had very little time to develop other things... like social skills. More of Mordred is making sense by the minute. ]
I see... You must have worked very hard.
[ For someone else's purpose, designed to die young. Just like Gray — except Gray was fortunate enough to escape that fate. Mordred isn't looking for pity, but Gray can't help her downcast look. ]
[ When she spots Gray's expression, her own darkens. ]
You'd better wipe that look off your face, mouse. Even if my birth was twisted, everything after that — becoming a knight, turning against the king, starting the war that destroyed Britain — were my own choices. Maybe they were in line with what my mother wanted, but that's not why I made any of them. So don't you dare insult my pride by pitying me.
[ That's why she won't pity Gray, either. She'll get mad for her, but to pity her would be to reduce both of them to victims of circumstance, of someone else's face, to insult the work she's put in to become "Gray" and not just "Arthur's vessel". They're more than what others tried to shape them into. ]
[ Gray looks up, her expression smoothing closer to neutral. Her poker face isn't nearly as strong as it could be, but she'll at least make an effort. ]
If that was what you wanted, then I'm glad.
[ Not about Mordred succeeding in killing Arthur and ruining Britain, but that she did what she set out to do. ]
I've never been very good at setting goals for myself, so for you to have done so much in so little time... I'd like to be more like that.
[ "If that was what you wanted." There's no way it wasn't — so why does it feel like there was something else, too? Something she forgot in her violent frenzy, her lust for destruction, her desire to make the king suffer like she had? Why can't she be satisfied? Why even chase the crown at all?
A brief flash of uncertainty flickers over her face, but it's gone as quickly as it came. ]
What's the one thing you want most out of your life? Be selfish about it.
[ Be selfish about it. That's the part that gives her pause. She knows what she wants for everyone else, but it's a different matter when it comes to herself. ]
Maybe... to be prouder of myself?
[ Give her sweet escape from this low self-esteem hell... ]
[ It's a good response, even if Mordred seems a little taken off guard by it. She shrugs in a "beats me" gesture. ]
You can start by figuring out what "pride" means to you. For me, it's my pride as a knight, and as a king. For you, it's probably something way less ambitious, but that's okay.
Whatever it is, once you find it, protect it. Don't worry about if it's right or wrong, or what other people think. Even if it's preserving what you have now, or living a happy life away from your village, those are both fine aspirations in their own right. Just keep striving towards it. If you can do that, then I'd say you already have plenty to be proud of.
[ There's a pang in her heart. In London, she could have easily identified her source of pride; she was proud to take care of her mentor, to protect him and help him go wherever danger-frought place he needed to go. It's here that she's struggled, unable to find that same inspiration within herself.
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[ She looks to the side. ]
Honestly, I never cared about being "admirable" when I was alive... but that was before I made up my mind to become king. Someone who rules for their own sake, with only minor consideration for the common people — most kings in history were like that. That's why the only one worth emulating is the King of Knights.
Even though I don't admire my father [ lol, lmao, etc ], I can admit he had some admirablish qualities. I never once disagreed with any of his decisions... except for in regards to me. [ The certainty in her voice wanes, replaced by frustration. ] So, to surpass him... I need to reach the same level of perfection, and find whatever he was missing. Then I can force him to acknowledge [ "me" ] his mistake.
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(Gray also thinks she heard a made-up word in there, but she keeps that to herself.) ]
What he was missing... What do you think that was?
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I don't know. [ She admits with a wry, somewhat annoyed smile. ] But there has to be something, right? His rule still collapsed [ damn i wonder why ], so even if it was perfect, it wasn't perfect enough. I won't be satisfied with that.
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I was taught that the people were tired of war, and that's why they were willing to consider a new king. So if the fighting ended sooner...?
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[ She knows Gray is only trying to help, though, so despite the obvious annoyance in her voice, she does her best to temper her response. ]
Listen. I get what you're saying, but humans are disgustingly fickle creatures. Britain was closer than ever to being united, yet they threw that future away to gamble on me — as if I could ever relate to their pathetic lives. Even if the fighting had ended sooner, their complaints would have soon been about taxes, or the division of land, or a bad harvest. There's just no pleasing them.
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Did King Arthur ever talk to the people about it...? Um, I know you didn't have anything like the radio back then, but it sounds like there was a big disconnect between them.
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[ Why wouldn't they? she repeats in her head. Mordred pauses, thinking things over for a moment; drumming her fingers idly as if to burn off nervous energy. ]
"The king does not understand the hearts of men." [ She says suddenly. ] That's what that bastard Tristan said when he left the Round Table. It wasn't just him, either — the idiots who sided with me claimed the same thing. They never even realized the person they were following now wasn't human to begin with. How freakin' funny is that? [ Her voice is utterly humourless. ]
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Not human to begin with? What do you mean?
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But make no mistake — my creation may have been artificial, but I still carry my father's blood. I'm the only person alive who does.
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[ Homunculus? Clone?? Of course Gray has heard of those things, but being told that someone you know has been one all along is a different matter. It doesn't really change who Mordred is as a person, but it sure brings up a lot of questions. Gray blinks, her little brain struggling to process this new information. ]
... I see. Then we have even more in common than I thought.
[ Mordred is even more "King Arthur's body" than Gray is. That's quite the thought, and one she'll continue to dwell on. ]
Your mother... really spent a lot of time trying to recreate the king's image.
[ why ]
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[ It sure would've been helpful if she'd like... explained that at the time. Oh well. ]
If we were truly alike, your lifespan would have already reached its limit. At the very least, be glad that my mother's hand in your creation was a more distant one... though you should curse her a hundred times over for causing it at all.
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My lifespan... um, what was your lifespan?
[ She's aware that this is a badly worded question, but there are too many unknowns now for her to hope at sounding like she's having coherent thoughts. ]
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[ She shrugs, clearly far less bothered by the topic than Gray is. ]
If we're talking years, specifically... then perhaps twelve at most. Probably less than that, knowin' my old lady. She always intended for me to perish after killing the king, so she could swoop in and claim the throne for herself.
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[ Gray practically yelps with surprise. She'd expected fifteen at the very least given their sharted appearance. ]
I thought you were older. You seem so... um, adult.
[ Not mature. But adult. ]
preserves your typo in amber
[
I entered the king's service a few years after my birth. By that time, my appearance was the way it is now, and I was already my father's equal in swordsmanship. My origins were of little concern when compared to my obvious skill.
DROPS IMMEDIATELY
I see... You must have worked very hard.
[ For someone else's purpose, designed to die young. Just like Gray — except Gray was fortunate enough to escape that fate. Mordred isn't looking for pity, but Gray can't help her downcast look. ]
:innocent:
You'd better wipe that look off your face, mouse. Even if my birth was twisted, everything after that — becoming a knight, turning against the king, starting the war that destroyed Britain — were my own choices. Maybe they were in line with what my mother wanted, but that's not why I made any of them. So don't you dare insult my pride by pitying me.
[ That's why she won't pity Gray, either. She'll get mad for her, but to pity her would be to reduce both of them to victims of circumstance, of someone else's face, to insult the work she's put in to become "Gray" and not just "Arthur's vessel". They're more than what others tried to shape them into. ]
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If that was what you wanted, then I'm glad.
[ Not about Mordred succeeding in killing Arthur and ruining Britain, but that she did what she set out to do. ]
I've never been very good at setting goals for myself, so for you to have done so much in so little time... I'd like to be more like that.
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A brief flash of uncertainty flickers over her face, but it's gone as quickly as it came. ]
What's the one thing you want most out of your life? Be selfish about it.
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Maybe... to be prouder of myself?
[ Give her sweet escape from this low self-esteem hell... ]
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You can start by figuring out what "pride" means to you. For me, it's my pride as a knight, and as a king. For you, it's probably something way less ambitious, but that's okay.
Whatever it is, once you find it, protect it. Don't worry about if it's right or wrong, or what other people think. Even if it's preserving what you have now, or living a happy life away from your village, those are both fine aspirations in their own right. Just keep striving towards it. If you can do that, then I'd say you already have plenty to be proud of.
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Nevertheless, ]
That's actually good advice.
[ Now Gray's the one taken off guard... ]
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Why are you so surprised?
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You aren't usually so calm and serious.
[ Instead, pissed off and cooking up violence. See: ten minutes ago. ]
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That's 'cause once I'm king, I'll have to be calm and serious all the time. Right now, I can still be "Mordred".
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